A guide to authentic connection
At 30, 40, 50 and beyond, it’s easy to feel you’ve seen it all and done it all, and yet something is missing. Beyond Appearances gives you 36 questions, listening rituals and games to move from surface-level conversation to genuine connection.
You may recognize these moments
Your conversations have become purely functional: organizing the kids, work projects, the day’s news. The last time you shared something true, vulnerable or deep is starting to feel like a long time ago.
A separation, a loss, a change of direction, children leaving home. And that question that keeps coming back: “Who am I now? And who really wants to know me, at this stage of my life?”
You’ve been together for years and the spark has turned into routine. Not for lack of love, but for lack of curiosity: you’ve simply forgotten to ask each other questions.
Tired of relationships that go in circles, of the feeling that everyone is wearing a mask, you included.
This book arrives at the right moment. Not necessarily to “find someone,” but to meet in a different way.
A companion for the road
Practical, alive, deeply human: a book for those who long for authentic, lasting bonds, in love, friendship, family or work.
Arthur Aron and his colleagues’ 36 Questions procedure, Altman and Taylor’s onion theory, and also what science does not promise.
Five keys to receiving another person without judging, fixing or rehearsing your reply. And the five “thieves of presence” we all recognize: the Fixer, the Mirror, the Judge, the Distracted One, the Protector.
Rituals, games and themed evenings, to enjoy on your own, with one other person or among friends, with nothing to study beforehand.
What the book contains
A few lines from the book
To truly meet someone, you don’t need to become anything. You are already enough.
Conclusion
Being quiet is not listening. You can stay quiet while feverishly preparing your answer, judging in silence, being politely bored, or waiting for the other person to hurry up and finish so you can finally speak.
Chapter 2: Listening from the Heart
Presence is not a technique. It is a way of being, one that tells the other person, without a word: ‘I’m here. I see you. You matter.’
How to Read This Book
At your own pace
This book isn’t meant to be read in one sitting, like a novel. It’s a portable toolbox: dip in, try something, come back.
You read Parts I and V in order, to grasp why each tool works before you use it.
A date tonight, a message to send? Go straight to the chapter that matches your situation. One well-asked question can transform a conversation.
You live the 36 Questions with someone who matters: about two and a half to three and a half hours, spread over three sessions.
Free with the book
Twelve all-new sheets to print on A4 paper (or US Letter), one per page: easy to dog-ear, cut out and pin up. Slip one into your pocket before a date. The notebook is free to anyone who wants it: just share your email address.
Which thief of presence lives in you? Gardener or gatherer? Which layer of the onion are you on?
True Listening Bingo, the 7-Day Presence Challenge, the Follow-Up Die.
The 9 Lifesaving Phrases, Before · During · After, the first-message cheat sheet.
The Threshold in 60 seconds, Gratitude Sunday, the Encounter Capsule.
Frankly speaking
Your questions
It’s a digital book in A4 PDF format, in English, for personal use. You can print it if that makes reading easier, or print only the pages and exercises you need.
The book costs €7.77 including VAT. Delivery is immediate after purchase: you download the PDF right away and keep it forever.
Yes, for life. The book is an evolving work: whenever a new version comes out, you receive a link to download the updated version, at no extra cost.
It’s free to anyone who wants it: just share your email address to receive it.
No. You can read it from start to finish, dip into the chapter you need, or follow the guided 36 Questions journey with someone who matters to you. Don’t feel you have to remember everything: what matters is not quantity, but how well what you choose fits.
Neither, exclusively. It’s not a seduction manual. The tools serve romantic, friendly, family and professional encounters: any relationship where you want to move from the surface to something deeper.
They are a free adaptation of the questions published in the appendix of the paper by Arthur Aron, Elaine Melinat, Elaine Aron, Robert Vallone and Renee Bator (1997), published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The “maturity” variations, the follow-ups, the rituals and the games were written for this book. The book also spells out what science does not promise.
No. It’s a personal-development guide. In case of distress or danger, the book lists help resources in France and gives pointers for other countries, and you’ll find them at the bottom of this page too.
Your copy
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One seed is enough to begin
And to meet them, you are already enough.
Get the book · €7.77 incl. VAT